


Facebook Conversations

by Kerantli



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: AU, Facebook, Funny, Multi, the character maybe here
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-11
Updated: 2016-01-11
Packaged: 2018-05-13 05:40:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 6,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5697112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kerantli/pseuds/Kerantli
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ever wondered what would happen if the cast of Harry Potter had facebook? Well, here is my version of it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is ongoing, I have no idea how often I'll update or how many chapters there will be. It's another I started a couple of years ago so timelines may be out by a couple of years in some cases. Review if you would like, and my sense of humour is a bit strange, so be careful.   
> IF you want your favourite character to appear, let me know and I'll see if it fits.

Sirius loaded up the old computer Hermione had given him just the other week. It was slow and still running Windows ME, which according to Hermione was the worst system a computer could ever have.

“So, what am I meant to do with this thing Harry?” he turned towards his godson, who just shrugged.

“Hermione said that she wanted to get you on Facebook, since every other person including ol’ Madeye is using it.” Harry replied, reaching into his pocket for his phone. Sirius raised an eyebrow as the device made a sound, thinking that the younger generations were really getting away with themselves with all the new technology Muggles were making every single day.

“So, what is that you’re playing with?” Sirius asked.

“It’s a BlackBerry Smart Phone, again Hermione demanded I get one so she could keep in touch with me. I kinda like it. You can check Facebook, Twitter and even any other website in the world on it.” Harry vaguely heard the older male make an interested noise; too busy smirking at the lit screen.

Sirius turned back to the computer screen, gingerly touching the mouse and experimenting with moving it. Pulling out the sheet of instructions Hermione had written for him, Sirius started to read.

_Step 1. Find the icon that says Windows Explorer, and double click on it._

‘ _Easy enough_ ,’ thought Sirius, scanning the whole screen for the little icon. Practically pouncing the little arrow onto the icon Sirius grinned in triumph, clicking on the icon and watching as a window popped up.

_Step two. Congratulations on getting this far._ Sirius couldn’t help the growl at that. _Navigate the arrow up to where it should say google.com and type in facebook.com, then pressing return on your keyboard. You can do this by clicking on the bar._

Sirius narrowed his eyes at the paper, hoping that Hermione could feel it.

“So, how you doing with it Sirius?” Harry asked his godfather, tearing his eyes away from his phone.

“Apparently better than what your best friend thought I would do.” He replied, typing in the address and pressing the return key. Watching as the screen changed to one with a blue banner, Sirius turned his eyes back onto the paper.

_Step 3. Type in **Padfootissexy@ fastfeathers. co.uk** without the spaces into where it says ‘ **Email** ’ and ‘ **DeatheatersSuck** ’ where it says ‘ **password** ’ and then click ‘ **Login** ’._

“’Padfoot is sexy’? Who was the one to think up that one?” Harry asked as he peered over Sirius’ shoulder at the paper.

“Try your best friend again Harry. I’m gonna kill her when I next see her.” Sirius muttered low, doing exactly as Hermione had told him to.

_Step 4. Find your friends, and have fun._

Sirius stared at the paper, thinking ‘ _was that it?_ ’ All that badgering for just four steps? Scanning the page that had come up, he saw that he had some red notifications on the top of the screen.

“Harry, what are these red things for?” he asked, feeling his hand being shoved off the mouse as Harry took over. He hovered over one of the red flags that had the number fifteen in it.

“Those are friend requests. Basically people wanting to add you to their friend list.” Harry told him, clicking and scanning through the people wanting to add his godfather, denying many of the sluttier looking girls and women and leaving him with six people, accepting them all. “You have Hermione, Snape, Mad Eye Moody, Kingsley Shacklebot, George Weasley and Remus.”

Sirius just nodded, wondering why his godson had deleted the nice looking girls. Mentally slapping himself for forgetting his promise to a certain someone.

“But how did they find me when this is the first time I’ve actually seen this? And WHERE did she get that photo of me?!” Sirius’ mind was rolling with the possibilities of where and how the sneaky witch had found the photo that was currently set as his default picture. It was one where Sirius and Remus had been spread out on one of Harry’s sofas one New Year’s eve, with Sirius holding onto one of Harry’s ‘toys’ and brandishing it at a laughing Remus.

“Wait... is that one of MY toys you’re holding there?!” Harry hissed at his godfather, who just nodded. “You’re not the only one that’ll kill her Sirius.”

Sirius gulped, hoping Hermione knew what she was getting herself into by setting this up for him.

“Hey Harry, what do I do now?” Sirius asked, effectively stopping Harry from leaving to find the brown haired witch.

“Oh, now you just post a status and then have a read of others.” Harry said in a non-committed tone, quickly leaving the room and leaving Sirius to the website.

\---

**Sirius Black**  
On facebook thanks to a very bossy witch. Now what do I do?  
-  
 **Hermione Granger, George Weasley and 2 others likes this**  
-  
 **Hermione Granger** told you it wouldn’t be too bad Sirius!  
 **George Weasley**   Welcome to the dark side, we have naked Severus Snape.  
 **Hermione Granger**   GEORGE WEASLEY!  
 **MadEye Moody** ... Naked Snape? Where?  
 **Sirius Black**   Just what have I gotten into here?  
 **Severus Snape**   George. If you value your little gryffindor, I suggest you get your ass back here and give me my clothing.  
 **Sirius Black**   OH GOD THE IMAGES!

-0-

**Hermione Granger**  
Wondering if and when He will show up on here.  
-  
 **Bill Weasley likes this**  
-  
 **Harry Potter**   Soon ‘Mione. He’s sorting it out right now.  
 **Ron Weasley**   Who wil shw up?  
 **Fred Weasley** Apparently someone who can spell better than you can my dear brother.  
            _**Hermione Granger, Harry Potter and 4 other people likes this**_  
 **Ron Weasley**   Shut it Gred.  
 **Hermione Granger**   He’s right you know. Even Buckbeak would be able to spell better than you Ronald.  
 **Buckbeak Hippogriff** Squaarrrrk!

-0-

**Severus Snape**  
Now where did my robes go?  GEORGE WEASLEY!  
-  
 **George Weasley and Fred Weasley likes this**

-0-

**MadEye Moody**  
Constant Vigilance! We have two pranksters running around!  
-  
 **Severus Snape, Remus Lupin and 16 other people likes this**

-0-

**Remus Lupin**  
Ah, the perks of having a Metamorphmagus for a wife ;)  
-  
 **Tonks Lupin likes this**  
-  
 **Tonks Lupin**   shush Remus! I’m one of a kind ;)

-0-

**Hermione Granger is in a Relationship**  
-  
 _ **You, Charlie Weasley and 20 other people likes this**_  
-  
 **Ron Weasley** Wht?! Why wsn’t i tld of ths?!  
 **Hermione Granger**   Was that English Ronald?  
 **Harry Potter**   so... you two made it official?! CONGRATS HERMIONE!  
 **Hermione Granger**   Yes, we finally did Harry! ;D  
 **Sirius Black** I still don’t like you for finding that picture of me though ‘Mione ;)

-0-

**Kingsley Shacklebot**  
Another day, same old. Watch out for them pranksters though. They are everywhere!

-0-

**George Weasley**  
Hmm, I wonder dear Gred, when Snapey-poo will find his robes?  
-  
 **Fred Weasley**   Why Feorge, I don’t know when he will. But it’ll teach him for making you sleep on the sofa.  
 **George Weasley**   I don’t know Gred. Apparently I deserved it for kicking him onto the floor the night before.  
 **Ron Weasley**   WHT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! STP TLKING ABOT THS ON HRE


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More Facebook convos

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not as funny as the first... but eh, what can you do.
> 
> And I don't own Kate Voegele's You Can't Break A Broken Heart, which is where Colins 'status' came from.

Blaise Zabini kicked the noisy computer, muttering under his breath as he waited for it to load up. He knew he should blame the tenuous friendship with Hermione Granger and Harry Potter for him owning a computer in the first place, but he just couldn’t. Since signing up for Facebook, Blaise had never had so much fun with a very Muggle thing. Taking a sip of his Butterbeer, Blaise navigated the mouse arrow to the most recent version of Chrome and settled down to read through his friend’s status updates.

\--

**Blaise Zabini**  
I’m so badass. Drinking Butterbeer while on FB. Anyone want to come round and keep me company?

**Lavender Brown** I will Blaisey ;)  
 **Blaise Zabini** Sorry, I should have said “Not anyone that is a known slut.”   
 **Harry Potter**   Blaise, you are now my favourite person in the world!   
 **Blaise Zabini** Harry ready to ditch Him and come with me then? 

-0-

**Hermione Granger**  
So many books, so little time. Why oh why did I not keep that Time Turner from third year?

**_Bill Weasley, Ginny Weasley and 2 others likes this_**.

-0-

**Rubeus Hagrid**  
Just waiting for Olympe Maxime to turn up. Better get out the BIG glasses.

**Olympe Maxime** I would have you know, I am just big-boned Rubeus.  
 **Albus PWB Dumbledore** My dear Olympe, if you are big-boned, then I must be a monkey’s uncle. Though that isn’t too much of a stretch of the imagination. Ah, my teenage years.  
 **Rubeus Hagrid** You know I didn’t mean it in a bad way Olympe... I’ll make it up to you later  
 **Olympe Maxime** You better do Rubeus

-0-

**Ginerva Weasley**  
Life`s Irony: We often ignore those who want us, and crave those who don`t.

**Harry Potter** Jeeze Ginny, get over it please. I don’t want to have to show you that I don’t want you!  
 **Colin Creevey** Ginny, I’m here... Listen to me! I want you!  
 **Harry Potter** See, have Colin. Plus he knows his way around a camera, and we both know how much you love to be the centre of attention.  
 _ **You, Draco Malfoy and 10 others likes this**_  
 **Ginerva Weasley** I hate you Harry.

-0-

**Harry Potter**  
3 dreams of a man: To be as handsome as his mother thinks. To be as rich as his child believes. To have as many women as his wife suspects

_**You, Pansy Parkinson and 17 others likes this.** _

See all 37 comments  
 **Harry Potter** You are lucky I love you Draco.  
 **Draco Malfoy** You only love me because I’m good in bed ;)

-0-

_**Hermione Granger was tagged in the album The Night Hermione got Drunk.** _

-0-

**Colin Creevey**  
So try your best now baby  
Try your best to break me  
You can't break a broken heart  
No damage you can do now  
I'm immune to you now

**Ginerva Weasley** Do you forget I’m on your facebook?  
 **Harry Potter** Just put the boy out if his misery and give him a date.  
 **Blaise Zabini** Ceervey, you’re really starting to sound gay.. We have enough gays around with Draco and Harry.  
 **Colin Creevey** I don’t care anymore Zabini.

-0-

_**Draco Malfoy and Harry Potter like Sex** _

-0-

_**Hermione Granger is in a relationship** _

-0-

  
**Bill Weasley**  
Sorry to coin a phrase... but this time of the month is a bitch!

_**Remus Lupin, Fenrir Greyback and 5 others like this** _

**Remus Lupin** I hear ya there Bill.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There are 9 chapters so far... go figure ;)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lucius is hard to write well...

Lucius Malfoy looked at the new fangled computer that his son had begged him to get. It was a silly Muggle thing he thought. Still, he had said he would learn how to use it for Draco. As the young man had started travelling more and still wanted to keep in touch with something apparently faster than owls. Lucius didn't think anything could be faster than owls, other than the Floo Network and he still didn't understand why Draco just didn't use that. The plastic box looked out of place mixed in with the Malfoy family heirlooms that hadn't been seized by Aurors for being too 'dangerous'. Still, Lucius looked around for anything that would help him navigate the computer with the minimum of cursing and sending hexes at the Muggle machine. He had heard his Death Eater brothers talking about something called 'face book', saying that even the Dark Lord himself had looked for it. What would they want a book of faces for, Lucius would never know. Poking through the box that had been left in the corner, his fingers hit a thick wad of paper. Pulling it out, he saw it was a book with the title ' _ **Windows XP for Dummies**_ ' emblazoned across it. Resisting the urge to blast it to the next century for assuming he had little intelligence.

Flipping the book open, Lucius started to read through the pages. He frowned at the long paragraphs, trying to understand what the hell they were on about. _The first step, as always, is to turn on your new computer. If you would like to, you can name it on the set up screen_. Lucius looked at the directions as if they had grown legs and was doing the Can-Can. Name the machine! Just what did the authors think the readers of this book would do, treat the computer as if it were a child? Discarding the book and casting a quick hex at it for good measure, Lucius decided he would work through it on his own. Searching high and low for anything that would turn it on, he smirked as he found the button and pressed it.

Looking at the monitor he raised an eyebrow when it blinked to life, a welcome sign almost burning his retinas with its cheerful colours. Now Lucius was a proud man, he wasn't about to let a Muggle thing get the better of him. It just wouldn't be right if it did. He searched his brain for what Bellatrix had told him to do, stopping when he heard sharp talons scratch against the glass of his window. Pointing his wand at the window, he opened it just enough for the owl to flit in and leave once it had dropped its burden. Opening the letter Lucius saw it was from Draco, briefly wondering how his son was doing.

_Father. I hope you and mother are in well health. I am, in case you are both worrying about me. I do hope that you haven't thrown the computer out of the top most window of the Manor, Father. But I am writing to help you through the steps to set up an email account, as that is how we will keep in contact. And with that, you will be able to join a lot of things that your 'brothers' are on too. Now, I do apologise if I sound patronising, but I'm going to have to be as simple as possible. What you have to do is turn on the laptop by pressing the button on the top most corner of the keyboard, which is what all the buttons with letters are. Once it has come to life, find something called 'Internet Explorer' with the little arrow that is on the screen by moving your fingers over the touch pad and pressing twice. That is located at the bottom of the keyboard, Father._

Lucius looked at the screen then back down at the letter, sneering at them both in turn. Pressing the tip of his finger onto the touch pad, he watched the little arrow jump around the screen, experimenting and getting used to the feel.

_Once you have done that, move the cursor (that little arrow) to where there should be something called www.google.co.uk. Press the touch pad once, and the words should look like it has a blue background. Upon doing that type in www.fastfeathers.co.uk and press the big rectangular button on the keyboard, this is going to be where you select your email address. Now, once you get to that site, (that is what it is called Father, a site.) find a link (it should be blue in colour, and look like it has a line under it) and again press the touch pad once. A second page should now come up._

Lucius did as his son had written, raising an eyebrow as the page loaded. This is what Muggles created without the use of magic? Lucius shook his head, thinking it wasn't possible. How could such a complicated thing come from people with no magic at all? Lucius shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts as he looked back at the letter.

_Now Father you can either use your name as an e-mail address, or you can choose something random. It is entirely up to you. Once you have thought of something, type it into the top box where it says 'screen name'. May I suggest something not too Death-Eater, but also not your full name Father. My own address is 'SerpentsInk@Fastfeathers.co.uk', as you can see it isn't promoting anything, nor is it my name. But it is entirely up to you over what you choose._

Looking back at the screen he was on, Lucius thought about how he would want his 'email address' to look like. He was a Malfoy, and all Malfoys had an image to uptain. Looking at the keyboard he waited for an idea to strike him, jumping as a loud crack echoed around the room and startling him. "Mistress sends tea and sandwiches for Master," one of his house elves squeaked, placing them onto the desk next to the computer. Lucius nodded curtly and shooed the elf away, still trying to think of an address. Lucius nearly hit his head as an idea hit him. Looking at the keys he started typing out the email he wanted, sitting back and smiling triumphantly as it was accepted. Looking back at the letter, Lucius started reading again.

_Once you have done that, you now have the whole of the internet to look around. There is something called facebook that you can join up to, I know a lot of your brothers are on there as I have them on my own 'friends list' on there. To get there, just do the same steps you did to get to Fastfeathers, only typing in facebook.com instead. I am looking forward to receiving an email off you. Your son Draco._

Lucius decided he would do just that, repeating his previous steps and finally ending up on the first page of the site Draco had called facebook. Following the instructions on the site, he soon found a few of his 'friends' and some of his family.

**Lucius Malfoy**

Now, what on earth would a Pureblood be doing on something like this is beyond me.

  
**Draco Malfoy** Father, it is really not as bad as you think. Granted it is a Muggle invention, but it can be rather fun. Try some of the games on here, I know there is some war games for you.

**Bellatrix LeStrange** AHAHAHAHA, you are HERE! Welcome to madness!

**Lucius Malfoy** If I have to be in the same cell as you Bella, I want out.

 

-0-

**Draco Malfoy**

I love you. I am who I am because of you. You are every reason, every hope, and every dream I've ever had, and no matter what happens to us in the future, everyday we are together is the greatest day of my life. I will always be yours.

_**Harry Potter, Hermione Granger and 3 other people like this.** _

**Harry Potter** love love!!

**Narcissa Malfoy** Do you have something to tell us Draco? If so, Congratulations, who is the lucky person?

**Draco Malfoy** Mother, don't have a heart attack, but the person has already commented on this...

**Harry Potter** Uh.. Hi Mrs Malfoy...

-0-

**Bellatrix LeStrange**

There are two types of people in the world, People that contribute to society, and people that think Harry Potter is alive

_**Lord Voldemort likes this** _

-0-

**Severus Snape**

I swear on Salazar Slytherin, if a certain Mr Weasley does not behave his little Gryffindor will end up on my wall as a decoration!

**George Weasley** But Severus, you know I mean it out of love.

**Fred Weasley** He really does Sevvy.

**Severus Snape** Oh no you don't. You're both just trying to stay on my good side just to stay in the bed. I know you too well.

-0-

**Narcissa Malfoy**

The Manor is very quiet without Draco here. Maybe I can badger Lucius to get us a kitten. Or maybe a horse.

_**See all 10 comments** _


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own Twilight, nor Facebook, nor Harry Potter...

**Harry Potter** _sent at 14:32_

So, now that I have finally gotten you onto facebook, I have a few questions to ask you.

 **Draco Malfoy** _sent at 14:32_

Questions that you couldn't ask me in person?

 **Harry Potter** _sent at 14:33_

Uh.. No not really. But in a way, it is more of a game than just asking questions **Blushes**

 **Draco Malfoy** _sent at 14:34_

Okay, you now have me intrigued. What is this game and how will we play it? **Raises eyebrow**

-0-

Harry sat back in his chair, visibly shaking as he took in Draco's reply. He had been so sure that the blonde would have told him to piss off as soon as he mentioned questions, knowing that he was secretive with his personal life. A sly grin spread over Harry's face as he bent forward and he started typing.

-0-

 **Draco Malfoy** _sent at 14:37_

Harry?

 **Harry Potter** _sent at 14:37_

We'll start off slow, I ask you a question and you answer it, then you can ask the same question, or a different one? That sound fair to you?

 **Draco Malfoy** _sent at 14:38_

That sounds perfectly fine to me. So, start off then?

 **Harry Potter** _sent at 14:38_

Oh, uh I had hoped you would start... But, yeah okay. I'll start instead...

 **Draco Malfoy** _sent at 14:42_

In your own time Harry. I'm not here for the good of my health, you know that.

 **Harry Potter** _sent at 14:43_

Yes, I know you're not, I'm just trying to think of any questions that don't sound like I'm 14 years old once again. Have you ever used a sex toy?

 **Draco Malfoy** _sent at 14:44_

Harry, no offence, but you always sound like a blushing fourteen ye- Have I...WHAT?!

 **Harry Potter** _sent at 14:45_

Have you ever used a sex toy?

-0-

Draco looked at the screen of his laptop in pure amazement and shock. He never thought that the tame Gryffindor would ever had the guts to ask him that. Blinking and shaking his head to get rid of the thoughts of the raven-haired male writhing around on his bed with a sex toy that had popped into his head, Draco worried his lip as he replied.

-0-

 **Harry Potter** _sent at 14:48_

Well? Have you?

 **Draco Malfoy** _sent at 14:49_

I may have at one point... **blushes** Have you?

 **Harry Potter** _sent at 14:54_

Sorry, Hermione wanted to show me something on her phone about my godfather... **shudders** and I have done...

 **Harry Potter** _sent at 14:55_

What was the sex toy you used?

 **Draco Malfoy** _sent at 14:55_

It was something Pansy bought for me.. something called a Bullet?

 **Harry Potter** _sent at 14:56_

She has good taste in toys...

 **Draco Malfoy** _sent at 14:56_

What about yours?

 **Harry Potter** _sent at 14:58_

My first was something that Fred gave me.. I can't remember the name of it now.

 **Draco Malfoy** _sent at 14:59_

FIRST ONE!? Harry, how many have you had?

 **Harry Potter** _sent at 15:02_ Let me think.. Fred gave me the first one when I was 16, said I needed to calm down in some way.. my second one was Owl-ordered and didn't last all that long when I was 17, and my others were all given to me from friends and family as that was all that I wanted for my birthday... So.. I've had around 10?

-0-

Draco suddenly felt useless, he had no qualms about Harry having the toys however, he just didn't think that he would live up to the expectations that came with toys.

-0-

Harry worried his lip as he waited for the blonde to respond to him, hoping that he hadn't scared Draco off.

-0-

 **Harry Potter** _sent at 15:06_

Draco? Are you okay?

 **Draco Malfoy** _sent at 15:07_

Yeah, I'm okay. Just came as a bit of a shock, that's all. You're a bit of a toy expert really aren't you? But I have my own question for you.

 **Harry Potter** _sent at 15:08_

Not really a toy expert, I just like them. And go on, should I be scared?

 **Draco Malfoy** _sent at 15:10_

Have you ever taken Polyjuice Potion to look like someone else so you could see their body?

 **Draco Malfoy** _sent at 15:12_ ???

 **Harry Potter** _sent at 15:14_

 **Takes deep breath** I have done that before. More than once.

 **Draco Malfoy** _sent at 15:15_

Really? Whom?

 **H** **arry Potter** _sent at 15:17_

You...

 **Draco Malfoy** _sent at 15:20_

I... I have to go right now. We'll talk later though?

 **Harry Potter** _sent at 15:21_

Uh.. sure..

_**Draco Malfoy is now offline** _

 

 **Harry Potter** _Thinks he may have said something wrong to someone..._

 **Hermione Granger** _I have no idea what has happened, but I really doubt it._

 **Sirius Black** _I have to agree with 'Mione, I doubt you have too Pup._

 **Harry Potter** _If you two say so..._

-0-

**Lucius Malfoy**

_As much as I love my wife, I do wish she would keep her mouth shut._

_**Bellatrix Lestrange likes this** _

-0-

**Cedric Diggory**

_It has come to my attention that there is a 'vampire' running around that looks exactly like me. I assure everyone that it is NOT me, and would like everyone to stop asking if I'm going to dazzle them to death!_

_**Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, Fred Weasley and 15 others like this.** _

-0-

 **Luna Lovegood** _Wonder if Pygmy Puffs are affected by freezing charms..._

 **Harry Potter** _Uh oh, here she goes again. Luna, put the poor Pygmy Puff and down and leave it alone._

 **Luna Lovegood** _But Harry, they're telling me to freeze them!_

 **Harry Potter** _Luna, please don't freeze the Pygmy Puffs, Gred and Forge will not appreciate it._


	5. Chapter 5

**Harry Potter** Dashing through the snow.....on a V8 wonder-sled.... crashing into trees....cos I'm off my fucking head....Been smoking Santa’s pipe...a dozen beers or more...I'm heading to the the red light zone to get myself a whore... Oh... Jingle bells, Jingle bells Santa’s smoking weed.... Mrs. Claus is on the floor...she's overdosed on speed...Blitzen's fucked, the elves are too..they're tripping off their heads..If Rudolf snorts another line the twat will wind up dead!!!

-

 **Draco Malfoy** I do wonder what goes through your head Harry. I truly do..

 **Harry Potter** Thank ya, I'll take that as a compliment...

-0-

 **Hermione Granger** If one more person undoes my bra when I'm not paying attention, I will hex their bits from where they currently reside and have them land on their foreheads!

-

_**George Weasley, Fred Weasley, Luna Lovegood and 16 others like this** _

**Luna Lovegood** But... What if it's me?

 **Hermione Granger** I'll.. I'll make an exception for you.

 **Luna Lovegood** LoveLove yay!

-0-

**Blaise Zabini**

What woman can.. wash up with her left hand cook the dinner with her right hand sweep the floor with her left leg do the dusting with her right leg give you a blow-job and... open a bottle of beer using her arse

-

 **Harry Potter** Don't know.. What woman can?

 **Hermione Granger** BLAISE!

 **Blaise Zabini** A Swiss Army Wife

-0-

_**Fred Weasley was tagged in Serverus Snape's album** _

-0-

**Severus Snape**

Two Gryffindors really will have their bits hexed off the next time I find them exchanging my shower gel for strawberry scented lubrication.

-

 **Fred Weasley** But it wasn't us!

 **George Weasley** Honesly Sevvy-Poo, wasn't us this time.

 **Severus Snape** Then whom would it have been?

 **Draco Malfoy** You know you love me Uncle Severus.

-0-

**Lucius Malfoy**

Narcissa wore me down. We are now the proud owners of two snow white horses.

-0-

**Bellatrix LeStrange**

The dark Lord, my precioussss, he calls us, yes


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I got to the point where I couldn't think of a starting part for this chapter... Ooops!

**Harry Potter**  
Just seen an amazing wedding dress in one of Hermione's magazines... What? It's not odd to see a male in a dress... Is it?  
-  
 **Draco Malfoy** Is there something you want to speak to me about?  
 **Sirius Black** Why is Hermione looking at wedding dresses?  
 **Hermione Granger** I'm not! He's saying it's mine to leave the blame off himself.

-0-

 **Hermione Granger**  
What to do today? Read “Hogwarts A History” end to end hundreds of times now.  
-  
 **Sirius Black** You could always come round and let me Slytherin to your Chamber of Secrets  
 **Hermione Granger** Sirius Black, you are a pig!  
 **Sirius Black** You love me though ;)

-0-

 **Ronald Weasley**  
why is everyone avaiding me?

-0-

 **Cedric Diggory**  
Seriously guys! No I don't know where you can find a good patch of wildlife to drink from!  
-  
 **Cho Chang** But you're so CUTE when you're a vampire!  
 **Cedric Diggory** I'm not a vampire Cho!  
 **Cho Chang** So... who is Edward Cullen? And why does he look like you? And where can I find him?  
 **Cedric Diggory** *sigh*

-0-

 **Severus Snape**  
If those two ginger haired men don't get out of bed soon, I'm throwing a pack of frozen marbles in with them and making them scrub the first years cauldrons  
-  
 **Hermione Granger** You wouldn't!  
 **Harry Potter** Of course he would Hermione, he's not changed that much since we left Hogwarts.  
 **Severus Snape** Neither of them wake before long past dinner.  
 **George Weasley** But Sevvypoo, we need our sleep!  
 **Fred Weasley** And we wait to see if you'll come back and hoist us out of bed. You know we like it when you're rough

-0-

 **Buckbeak** **Hippogriff**  
SQUUARK SQUARK SQUARKY SQUARK SQUARK  
-  
 **Hermione Granger** Of course Buckbeak, one of us will be around to let you have your weekly flight soon.  
 **Harry Potter** It's not my turn this week!  
 **Buckbeak Hippogriff** SQUUUUARK!  
 **Sirius Black** It is Ron's turn this time.  
 **Ronald Weasley** Wht? I did it ladt wekk!  
 **Rae Saniro** ooh ooh! *hops up and down* i'll do it i'll do it!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rae is a friend of mine that REALLY wanted to own Buckbeak, she needed a part in this


	7. chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Am I nearly there yet?

**Dobby House-Elf**  
Harry Potter's Miss helpd me!  
-  
 _ **Harry Potter likes this**_  
-  
 **Hermione Granger** I'm not Harry Potters Miss, Dobby. Call me Hermione, please  
 **Dobby House-Elf** Oky Hermione.

-0-

 **Kreacher House-Elf**  
Dirty Mudblood trying to add Kreacher. Kreacher being good elf and tidying computer.  
-  
 **Dobby House-Elf** Ther is nthing wrong with Harry Potters Miss!

-0-

 **Ronald Weasley**  
Someone needs to tell dear Ronniekins, never leave his facebook open, else he gets facejacked. - Love Draco.

-0-

 **Fred Weasley – George Weasley**  
really can't think of anything to say, so lets just go with knickers on an avocado and titty uplifters

-0-

 **Voldemort Dark-Lord**  
I am the greatest villain in history!  
-  
 **Darth Vader** You are the greatest? You were beat by a 1 year old!  
 **Voldemort Dark-Lord** Be quiet or I let slip about the last Villain meet up.  
 **Darth Vader** You don't have the gall.

-0-

 **Blaise Zabini**  
The last one to Avada Kedavra Ronald Weasely wins!  
-  
 **Draco Malfoy** What, in real life or on here?  
 **Blaise Zabini** Only on here. A good old game of Avada the Weasle should clear the air for everyone.  
 **Draco Malfoy** Damn.

-0-

 **Draco Malfoy – Ronald Weasley**  
AVADA KEDAVRA!  
-  
 **Ronald Weasley** What?!

-0-

 **Hermione Granger – Ronald Weasley**  
AVADA KEDAVRA!  
-  
 **Ronald Weasley** WHY?!

-0-

 **Ronald Weasley**  
Why is everyone Avada Kedavra-ing me?!

-0-

 **Remus Lupin**  
I'm... going to be a father?! But... I'm not ready!  
-  
 **Hermione Granger** Congratulations!  
 **Harry Potter** Am I the god father?  
 **Remus Lupin** Let me get my head around the fact I'm going to be a father first Harry!


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning - Voldie in a pink apron...

**Harry Potter**  
I have just found another gorgeous dress!  
-  
 _ **Luna Lovegood, Hermione Granger and 1 other liked this**_  
-  
 **Draco Malfoy** Really. Is there something you need to tell me Harry?  
 **Severus Snape** I knew it, Gryffindors Golden Boy is a cross dresser.  
 **Fred Weasley** Didn't think you'd have it in you Harry!  
 **George Weasley** Way to go! They're so comfy!

-0-

 **Severus Snape**  
What is this muggle thing called... Viagra?  
-  
 **Harry Potter** It is.. Uh.. It helps.. it helps keep an erection..  
 **Hermione Granger** Uh... Yes, what Harry said...  
 **Severus Snape** Who would send that to unsuspecting men! I will have you know I do not need that to keep an erection.  
 **Harry Potter** I'm... going to walk away now...  
 **Hermione Granger** Good.. Good luck with that...

 

-0-

 **Fred Weasley** > **George Weasley**  
What can we do George, He thinks we were the ones to get him the Viagra!  
-  
 **George Weasley** Keep calm and it'll blow over...

-0-

 **Bellatrix LeStrange**  
More tea Mr. Specklesworth?  
-  
 **Lucius Malfoy** Were you thrown when you were a baby, Bella?  
 **Bellatrix LeStrange** Don't you dare say a bad word about Mr Specklesworth or I will Crucio you into the next century!  
 **Lucius Malfoy** Yes, certainly thrown when a baby.  
 **Bellatrix LeStrange** *hisses*

-0-

 **Voldemort Dark-Lord**  
My brownie mix went all over the ceiling!  
-  
 **Bellatrix LeStrange** Lick it off then?  
 **Voldemort Dark-Lord** I did. Amazing what dark magic can do.  
 **Bellatrix LeStrange** You're not wearing that pink apron from Severus are you?  
 **Voldemort Dark-Lord** It's comfy, and protects my robes.  
 **Severus Snape** It wasn't me that gave you the apron My Lord, it was Lucius.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All pre-written is now here! *dies*

Dumbledore looked around the staff room at Hogwarts Witchcraft and wizardry. He had never seen so many teachers entranced in muggle appliances before. Severus sat there with a small hand held thing, smirking at it in a most un-Severus like manner. Professors Flitwick and Sprout were also huddled over a bigger version of a, what was it called again? Dumbledore thought, nodding to himself when he remembered they were called computers, or so Hermione Granger had told him. He wondered if it was a good idea to let people have muggle technology in such an environment, then realised that the bright witch had enchanted them to work even with the large amount of magic that flowed and ebbed in the old castle.

He had also talked to Arthur Weasley, even getting the eder Weasley to agree with him that it was best for the teachers to be up to date with the amount that the muggle world was changing around them. They could even go out and mingle with the muggles of the word without bringing on suspicion with the way the dressed now, keeping up to date with the various websites they could access. Dumbledore had even heard that even Voldemort had a computer, as well as many of the death eaters did and used suck a thing called Facebook to keep in touch with each other.

Dumbledore looked around the room again before looking at his own computer, bringing up Facebook just to see what was going on in the world that day.

* * *

**Harry Potter**

Whoever tampered with my mail and sent me penis enlargers and viagra. Not funny. Trying to explain THAT to my aunt and uncle was not pleasant.

**_Dean Thomas, Sirius Black and 15 others like this._ **

**Draco Malfoy**  Harry, you really are starting to worry me...

 **Severus Snape**  Stop having your wishlist public and change your address then?

 **Gred Weasley**  Seeing your reaction brings warmth to our hearts though, Harrykins!

-0-

**Neville Longbottom**

Gran wants me to get a girlfriend and give her grandbabies. I can't even take care of myself yet!

-0-

**Lord Voldemort**

I hope Potter liked his toys I sent him. I do hope that one day he will notice little old me.

 **Bellatrix LeStrange**  What about me? I notice you!

 **Lord Voldemort**  You are creepy Bellatrix. And you belong in a cage in the cellar.

 **Bellatrix LeStrange**  But I LOVE you!

-0-

**Buckbeak Hippogriff**

SQUARK SQUARKY SQUARK SQUARK SQUARK.

 **Rae Saniro**  Has no one let out for a flight in months Buckbeak?

 **Harry Potter**  I haven't I have been trying to fend off many "adult" parcels from going to my aunt and uncles!

 **Hermione Granger**  I did it last week, so it is not me again!

 **Sirius Black**  Okay them, I'll do it again.

-0-

**Dobby House-Elf**

Dobby hs Mr Harry Potter's scks! Dobby is a happy Elf rght now

-0-

**Giant Squid**

One would like to tell all the land walkers that Squids are actually quite intelligent and never to underestimate our brain power.

-0-

**Remus Lupin**

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.

-0-

**Fluffy The-Dog**

Woof, WoofWoof, Woof.

 **Rubeus Hagrid**  Alright Fluffy. A quick walk round the castle and then yer back to protecting the stone!

**Draco Malfoy**

Mothers white horses don't leave nice diamonds on the ground like I was told. I'll be telling Father about this!

* * *

Dumbledore sat back, wondering just what went through his old students minds when they wrote what they had on their facebooks, and applauded the Giant squid for making a computer work underwater. He was used to Buckbeak cropping up in his timeline, as he was with Dobby. He guessed the eccentric House-elf had helped the Giant Squid at first, just with the way its status was worded. There was nothing wrong with it, it was just worded in a way that would make one wonder just how many other animals could use computers, and what life would be like if animals could talk.

Dumbledore let a small smile pass his lips, settling back in his chair and nodding off, dreaming of a pink world where animals could talk and humans were pets instead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rae stars again xD


End file.
